My Thoughts on Comparison ...

Comparison is something I didn’t even realize I was doing until I started paying attention to my thoughts. It doesn’t always come from jealousy or insecurity. Sometimes it shows up quietly, and lingers longer than I expect it to. This month, I think I’ve noticed myself comparing in ways that felt subtle but heavy. And I feel like the thing that stood out most wasn’t who I was comparing myself to, but rather how I was talking to myself in the process.

The Traits I Question in Myself, But Never Question in Others

There’s a pattern I’ve started to notice, I’m often much harder on myself for things I don’t judge in others...

Okay so here is a small moment where I caught myself doing this. I often think I’m not a very ‘chill’ person, and I find myself wishing I could be. I can be very expressive with how I feel. I talk a lot when I’m excited. And I sometimes feel like I don’t know how to stay calm in the way others seem to. And most nights, I replay conversations from the day, wondering if I talked too much, if I should’ve said less, if I could have been quieter, more reserved, a bit more effortlessly chill. These thoughts usually don’t feel dramatic. They feel small, almost routine. But they add up.

But to be completely honest, when I see these same traits in other people, I don’t see them as flaws at all. I often see it as confidence, warmth, or presence. Someone who’s engaged, an open book (in a good way), and a little badass. But I don’t word it like that when it comes to myself. I will say noticing this pattern has made me pause. It’s something I’m still working through, reminding myself that not every quality needs to be softened or edited to feel more "acceptable".

Comparison in the Post-Grad Job Search

This same kind of comparison shows up in more visible ways too, especially during the post-graduation job search. Scrolling through LinkedIn, it’s easy to feel like everyone else is moving faster or landing somewhere impressive. New titles, cool companies, and exciting locations. And while those moments are genuinely amazing and make me feel happy for people, there’s a quiet voice that asks why my own path feels less clear, slow or small. 

What I try to remember is that what we see online is a snapshot. It's a highlight. Realistically, even my own LinkedIn or Instagram primarily shows just the positive and happy moments. Behind most “I’m excited to share…” posts are hours of applications, dedication, setbacks and moments of uncertainty. Just like the ones we’ve all experienced in the past or now.

So, we must remember that everyone shining right now earned that moment. And our moment will come too, and not because we’re behind, but because timing isn’t linear. We all bring something different to the table. We all have something cool to offer. And comparison often makes us forget that.

Why We’re Our Own Harshest Critics

Welllll....Psychologists have long studied why we tend to be so much harder on ourselves than on others. Social psychologist Fritz Heider, and later Lee Ross, introduced the idea of attribution bias, the tendency to explain our own struggles as personal flaws, while explaining other people’s behavior as the result of circumstances.

This creates a quiet imbalance. We hold ourselves accountable for thoughts and feelings no one else can see, while extending others the benefit of context, nuance, and grace. Research on attribution bias explains this tendency: we often interpret our own struggles as personal failings, while interpreting others’ behavior as situational or circumstantial. In other words, we treat ourselves as problems to be fixed, and others as people to be understood.

So, when comparison enters that equation, it’s already unfair. We’re measuring our internal world against someone else’s external one, and then wondering why we come up short. But that doesn’t mean comparison cannot be limited. Below are some ways we can divert ourselves from doing this. 

Ways I’m Learning to Soften Comparison 

I don’t think comparison is something we can fully eliminate. It’s deeply human. But we can change how we respond to it, and that response matters.

1. Naming the comparison, instead of letting it run quietly

Research on metacognition by John Flavell shows that labeling a thought creates distance from it. Simply noticing “I’m comparing myself right now” shifts the thought from something that feels true to something that’s just passing, reducing its emotional intensity.

2. Applying the same standards inward that we apply outward

Psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher on self-compassion, found that people who treat themselves with the same kindness they extend to friends experience lower anxiety, less rumination, and greater emotional resilience. This question often reveals how unrealistic our self-standards are.

3. Shifting focus from outcomes to effort

Goal-setting and motivation research shows that people who track effort, learning, and progress experience greater resilience than those focused solely on outcomes. Outcomes fluctuate. Effort compounds. Comparison tends to fixate on results without accounting for the process behind them.

4. Replacing judgment with curiosity

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy research, particularly by Aaron Beck, shows that curiosity interrupts negative thought cycles more effectively than forced positivity. Asking “Why did this trigger me?” opens understanding instead of reinforcing “shame”.

A Gentle Reminder

I’m still learning this. I still compare. I still replay conversations and question timelines. But I’m trying to meet those moments with a little more patience instead of self-criticism. Maybe confidence isn’t about becoming quieter, calmer, or more effortless. I reckon it’s about allowing yourself to be seen, without immediately deciding that something about you needs to be corrected.